It was the Monday after a Tiger-Rock Martial Arts district tournament. As the parent of a new green belt walked in the door, I greeted them with a question, “How did your daughter enjoy the tournament?”
“Terrible!” They responded. “My child didn’t earn a medal and cried all weekend!”
It was obvious to me that this parent hadn’t discussed dealing with disappointment with their child. After teaching martial arts for almost three decades and having kids myself, I certainly understand how disappointing leaving an event empty-handed can be.
I immediately thought of Madeline Levine’s book Teach Your Children Well. She said, “When we rush to protect our kids from every disappointment, we deprive them of the opportunity to learn how to problem-solve and cope.”
As parents, we want to protect our children and make sure they don’t have the same struggles many of us might have had; however, those struggles are often what teaches us resiliency, grit, and the ability to overcome obstacles. One of the greatest phrases I have heard is “Disappointment is not a failure of parenting; it is a tool of parenting.”
Our job as parents isn’t to remove roadblocks, but to support and give our kids the skills and resiliency to climb over them.
WHY DISAPPOINTMENT MATTERS…
- It builds coping skills and teaches that “big” feelings are temporary.
- It strengthens problem solving. Kids will learn to adjust and try again!
- It develops grit and helps them stick with challenges even when it’s hard.
- It prepares kids for real-world setbacks in college, career, and relationships.
So how do we know when to step in? And when not to?
Before rushing to the rescue, allow kids to actually experience the disappointment. Let the sting land. Then, validate what they’re feeling: “It’s okay to be upset. I would feel the same way.” Offering empathy without immediately fixing helps children learn that uncomfortable feelings are survivable.
It’s also important to stay away from blame or excuses. No coach-bashing. No minimizing with “it’s not a big deal.” Instead, keep focusing on growth rather than finding a villain. You can guide the conversation toward what comes next by asking curious, future-focused questions like, “What could we do better next time?” These small shifts help children start thinking like problem-solvers.
Another key piece is shaping the story they tell themselves. Help them practice healthy self-talk and view mistakes as opportunities rather than verdicts. Celebrate the effort they put in and the progress they’ve made! Not just the win, the lead role, or the top score.
Finally, kids learn so much by watching us. When we model how to handle a setback with honesty and grace, we’re giving them a roadmap for their own resilience. Every disappointment becomes a chance to strengthen that skill, one real-world moment at a time.
BE PROACTIVE
Parents can also take proactive steps to build resilience long before disappointment hits. Encourage kids to try new activities where success isn’t guaranteed from the start by giving them the opportunity to experience the challenges that come with growth.
Give them age-appropriate responsibilities like chores, planning, or managing a small budget so they feel the satisfaction of competence and contribution. And whenever possible, prioritize real-life challenges over constant comfort, whether that’s through outdoor adventures, strategy games, or other experiences that require patience and problem-solving.
These everyday opportunities help strengthen confidence and coping skills in a natural, meaningful way.
ASK THIS QUESTION
The next time you feel that instinct to jump in and shield your child from a hard moment, pause and ask yourself:
Will this help them become more capable, confident, and resilient?
When we allow children to struggle well, we give them one of the greatest gifts a parent can offer: the belief that they can handle whatever comes next.
